Our Man of Steel, BillyBob Drennan, is following, so far, the identical path he followed during the first 14 days after Red Devil/Gemzar chemo #1.
That means that today, day 1 after chemo #2, he is filled with energy, from steroids, and has a great appetite and refused to stay home and rest, despite my pleas. He made a to-do list for us with 11 things on it, and we did them all!
His only symptom is that his skin is bright red. According to our journal, tonight he will get a fever, but if he takes his nausea meds every 6 hours, including setting his alarm through the night, we hope he won't be upchucking in the red bucket tomorrow, like he was last time, on Day 3, from not taking his meds through the night.
Tomorrow, the journal says he will begin to feel quite ill, in several ways, and will start running a fever.
But by the 2nd week, he should start to recover.
Will this pattern hold, even though chemo has a cumulative effect? We don't know. We know he won't be BETTER than he was in round 1, but we hope he isn't any worse. (PS: He hasn't lost any hair at all, and should have lost it all by now. Ain't he sumpn?)
(By the way, those scary BUN/Creatinine scores were re-checked, and his body had pulled out of it. He came out of the danger zone and is in the normal range again on that. Whew!)
The Onco Bronco said that after the 4th round, he will go to Wake Forest and get another MRI identical to the one that found this new tumor by his heart, so they can see if this chemo is shrinking that inoperable tumor. If the tumor has responded well, he'll get another round of red devil, then 5 more rounds of totally different drugs as a followup (ten MORE weeks of chemo, after the 10 red devil weeks). If the tumor isn't responding to the red devil, he won't get any more red devil, and they'll probably switch chemo drugs, to find one that works.
I'll be posting! THANK YOU for caring and loving and praying and hoping on his behalf.
"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want." -- Ps. 23
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Chemo Round 2 All Done!
We are home now, and Bill is finished with round 2 of his chemo!
He got "red devil" again (hasn't lost any hair yet) and Gemzar, along with steroids, and bags and bags of anti-nausea medicines.
The whole thing was kind of quick, and included free lunches brought to us right in our chairs!
Only freaky effect so far is that when Bill walked into the clinic, he looked like a robust, well-fed, regular guy who might easily have just come off the golf course.
But before he even got out of his chair at the end of the "poisoning session," he looked like he'd just spent the day with Dracula. He was completely drained of all normal color and had turned yellow with a tinge of green and gray (green and gray were my high school colors; they look good on a cheerleader but not on Bill's face.) The nurses didn't think he looked like he could even walk to the car. It was strange!
So now he is trashed out tired, but zippy from the steroids, and we have a better idea what to expect each day, because I kept the 14-day detailed side effects journal for him.
Our carpet beetle apocalypse ends tomorrow with the final round of pesticide in one room, door closed, and exhaust fan blowing out all the pesticide. In 3 days, it's all dried out and gone.
I'll post at the next juncture of fun!
Love and gratefulness,
Bethie and the Cowboy
He got "red devil" again (hasn't lost any hair yet) and Gemzar, along with steroids, and bags and bags of anti-nausea medicines.
The whole thing was kind of quick, and included free lunches brought to us right in our chairs!
Only freaky effect so far is that when Bill walked into the clinic, he looked like a robust, well-fed, regular guy who might easily have just come off the golf course.
But before he even got out of his chair at the end of the "poisoning session," he looked like he'd just spent the day with Dracula. He was completely drained of all normal color and had turned yellow with a tinge of green and gray (green and gray were my high school colors; they look good on a cheerleader but not on Bill's face.) The nurses didn't think he looked like he could even walk to the car. It was strange!
So now he is trashed out tired, but zippy from the steroids, and we have a better idea what to expect each day, because I kept the 14-day detailed side effects journal for him.
Our carpet beetle apocalypse ends tomorrow with the final round of pesticide in one room, door closed, and exhaust fan blowing out all the pesticide. In 3 days, it's all dried out and gone.
I'll post at the next juncture of fun!
Love and gratefulness,
Bethie and the Cowboy
Monday, June 4, 2012
Our 24th Wedding Anniversary!
Today we celebrate 24 years of the funnest, happiest, craziest marriage ever.
Bill feels absolutely great! In fact, his beard (which had quit growing this week, so we thought his hair would fall out) has started growing again, and he hasn't lost any hair at all. It was supposed to be gone by about now.
We are going out to eat, and he is hungry! NO MOUTH SORES!
And what timing. His next chemo isn't until Wednesday (day after tomorrow), so we get our anniversary date landing at the end of his chemo cycle, when he feels best. Well, THIS round he feels best, any way.
I refuse to even ponder the idea that this isn't a little supernatural!
Prayer. Stuff happens. You don't ALWAYS get the answer you want, but you don't "never" get it either. That places a reasonable doubt on the claim that prayer NEVER works. Reasonable doubt. Yeah. Prayer sometimes does work.
Love and happiness to all of you. We will toast you tonight with Peruvian Merlot.
Happyhappyjoyjoy,
Bethie
Bill feels absolutely great! In fact, his beard (which had quit growing this week, so we thought his hair would fall out) has started growing again, and he hasn't lost any hair at all. It was supposed to be gone by about now.
We are going out to eat, and he is hungry! NO MOUTH SORES!
And what timing. His next chemo isn't until Wednesday (day after tomorrow), so we get our anniversary date landing at the end of his chemo cycle, when he feels best. Well, THIS round he feels best, any way.
I refuse to even ponder the idea that this isn't a little supernatural!
Prayer. Stuff happens. You don't ALWAYS get the answer you want, but you don't "never" get it either. That places a reasonable doubt on the claim that prayer NEVER works. Reasonable doubt. Yeah. Prayer sometimes does work.
Love and happiness to all of you. We will toast you tonight with Peruvian Merlot.
Happyhappyjoyjoy,
Bethie
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Sunday--a Great Day!
We heard from a doctor, and found out that it was safe to wait till Monday, and then get with the oncologist about the BUN score. This Dr said that score could be the result of other things besides kidney trouble.
Thank God for that doctor, getting us that info on a weekend! Blessings on his whole family!
I have NOTHING TO REPORT! Bill feels better than he has felt in the ENTIRE YEAR since his last chemo. Can you even believe that? His nausea is under control for the first time, his gastro issues are resolved, his bag breaks are resolved, his hair is still in place, his color is kind of good--I wouldn't say great--his eyes still look too big, but he is active, cheerful, hungry, eating, sleeping, and even wants to go GOLFING tomorrow, 9 holes. Asked if I'd come and drive the cart. Oh somebody shoot me, please. I hate to say no, but ohhhhhhhhhhhh how I don't wanna do that!!!!
There you go! SOMETHING WONDERFUL is going on, that we even got these two weeks over with, and he's not hooked up to IVs, throwing up, or growing thin and wizened, as the poem goes.
The Christians: it's PRAYER! The agnostics: It's MEDICINE. The atheists: It's cause and effect and blind luck! The Pastafarians: It's the Spaghetti Monster!
Bless you for your love and prayers and thoughts and hopes, wishes, and words of comfort. We love you so much, and are doing this 100% WITH YOU.
Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow. That's my opinion, and I'm sticking with it.
Love and a happy night here!
B&B
Thank God for that doctor, getting us that info on a weekend! Blessings on his whole family!
I have NOTHING TO REPORT! Bill feels better than he has felt in the ENTIRE YEAR since his last chemo. Can you even believe that? His nausea is under control for the first time, his gastro issues are resolved, his bag breaks are resolved, his hair is still in place, his color is kind of good--I wouldn't say great--his eyes still look too big, but he is active, cheerful, hungry, eating, sleeping, and even wants to go GOLFING tomorrow, 9 holes. Asked if I'd come and drive the cart. Oh somebody shoot me, please. I hate to say no, but ohhhhhhhhhhhh how I don't wanna do that!!!!
There you go! SOMETHING WONDERFUL is going on, that we even got these two weeks over with, and he's not hooked up to IVs, throwing up, or growing thin and wizened, as the poem goes.
The Christians: it's PRAYER! The agnostics: It's MEDICINE. The atheists: It's cause and effect and blind luck! The Pastafarians: It's the Spaghetti Monster!
Bless you for your love and prayers and thoughts and hopes, wishes, and words of comfort. We love you so much, and are doing this 100% WITH YOU.
Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow. That's my opinion, and I'm sticking with it.
Love and a happy night here!
B&B
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Saturday. To OMG or not to OMG.
Trying so hard to be brief. <---That sentence just made it longer. <---So did that one.
Bill is feeling really good, relatively speaking. Just a bit of nausea, fatigue, mouth pain, but all manageable. Next appointment is this week, Wed. I think, to get the red devil again. He still has his hair.
Only thing is that I looked at his blood test results printout from a couple of days ago. I've researched this till I'm cross-eyed, but have not found any page that does not agree with this statement: If your Blood Urea Nitrogen (BUN) to creatinine ratio gets higher than 20, you are in "prerenal azotemia" which means stage 1 of kidney failure.
Bill's ratio is 22.2!
Technical terms you can skip if you want: his baseline blood test with family Dr. showed elevated BUN 23, when the limit is 18. Two weeks later, after one red devil, his BUN jumped to 32, where the limit on that test was 21. His creatinine stayed at 1.4. For the BUN to jump and the creatinine to stay the same is worse than if both went up.
So I go to the online calculator to get his ratio using his test results. His ratio with the family Dr. was high, but within the limits, definitely under 20.
But now his BUN : creatinine ratio is 22.2:1, and EVERY MEDICAL JOURNAL I've read says that above 20, you are in prerenal azotemia and you have 24 HOURS BEFORE NECROSIS SETS IN AND YOU LOSE A KIDNEY OR go into total kidney failure.
Ok. I know a google degree in medicine is worthless. But where do I err in those facts? Bill said that TO HIS KNOWLEDGE the Oncologist DID NOT LOOK AT HIS BLOOD TEST RESULTS, and they sent him home. The nurses only looked to see if he needed magnesium, he thought. I wasn't there. Or she looked and didn't notice this? Or she looked and thought it was ok? The latter is my hope: that somehow you're SUPPOSED to go into pre-kidney failure and receive no treatment, and that we're safe, and the entire internet is wrong.
Even though my reading tells me this is a dire emergency and that right this minute, he should be in ICU with people working on him to save his kidneys. Yes. The pages I read said ICU. And 24 hours.
But what do I know?
Bill refuses to read about it, let me discuss it with him, or call a doctor.
So here we sit in a standoff, with me wringing my hands and Bill refusing to THINK about it. He had to take a valium when I just mentioned it!
The carpet beetle drama continues but, yes, pales in comparison to the above. I am a nervous wreck. But Bill is online shopping for golf balls as we speak.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Bill is feeling really good, relatively speaking. Just a bit of nausea, fatigue, mouth pain, but all manageable. Next appointment is this week, Wed. I think, to get the red devil again. He still has his hair.
Only thing is that I looked at his blood test results printout from a couple of days ago. I've researched this till I'm cross-eyed, but have not found any page that does not agree with this statement: If your Blood Urea Nitrogen (BUN) to creatinine ratio gets higher than 20, you are in "prerenal azotemia" which means stage 1 of kidney failure.
Bill's ratio is 22.2!
Technical terms you can skip if you want: his baseline blood test with family Dr. showed elevated BUN 23, when the limit is 18. Two weeks later, after one red devil, his BUN jumped to 32, where the limit on that test was 21. His creatinine stayed at 1.4. For the BUN to jump and the creatinine to stay the same is worse than if both went up.
So I go to the online calculator to get his ratio using his test results. His ratio with the family Dr. was high, but within the limits, definitely under 20.
But now his BUN : creatinine ratio is 22.2:1, and EVERY MEDICAL JOURNAL I've read says that above 20, you are in prerenal azotemia and you have 24 HOURS BEFORE NECROSIS SETS IN AND YOU LOSE A KIDNEY OR go into total kidney failure.
Ok. I know a google degree in medicine is worthless. But where do I err in those facts? Bill said that TO HIS KNOWLEDGE the Oncologist DID NOT LOOK AT HIS BLOOD TEST RESULTS, and they sent him home. The nurses only looked to see if he needed magnesium, he thought. I wasn't there. Or she looked and didn't notice this? Or she looked and thought it was ok? The latter is my hope: that somehow you're SUPPOSED to go into pre-kidney failure and receive no treatment, and that we're safe, and the entire internet is wrong.
Even though my reading tells me this is a dire emergency and that right this minute, he should be in ICU with people working on him to save his kidneys. Yes. The pages I read said ICU. And 24 hours.
But what do I know?
Bill refuses to read about it, let me discuss it with him, or call a doctor.
So here we sit in a standoff, with me wringing my hands and Bill refusing to THINK about it. He had to take a valium when I just mentioned it!
The carpet beetle drama continues but, yes, pales in comparison to the above. I am a nervous wreck. But Bill is online shopping for golf balls as we speak.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Apocalypse Thursday (But Bill's Not Too Bad!)
First Bill. Cause he's what this blog is about, despite my many attempts to hijack all the attention to myself. hahaha
Bill had his blood test today, and while the scores weren't great, they weren't bad enough for him to need ANY kind of IV at all, not even a transfusion or platelets! We could hardly believe it!
Last night he had The Fever again, but it only strikes at night.
His nausea was better than usual today, and even though his mouth sores are spreading forward from his throat to the front of his mouth, the mouthwash is continuing to alleviate the pain and irritation. It's a miracle medicine. P and G, THANK YOU AGAIN for that lifesaving maneuver!
[Special note to CS: IT'S HERE, AND WE BOTH DIED WHEN HE OPENED IT, AND WE HAD TO BE RESUSCITATED BY THE PUPPIES. YOU WILL HEAR MORE. OMG! COULD NOT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT! YOU ANGEL!]
Small features: (1) Bill shaved around his beard, a couple days ago, and the hair didn't grow back in at all, so we're waiting for the bald head, beardless, eyebrowless, eyelashless look to appear any day now, and he's hoping he looks very suave. (2) He lost 3 pounds this week. (3) He looked kind of zombie-like today: pale, and big dark circles around his eyes, and his eyes looked really big, the way kids' eyes look when they're sick, so it was hard to smack him with the broom for not carrying my weights up to the attic for me. OH WOW! JUST KIDDING!
Here endeth the story of Bill's day. If you wish to see a brief Drama Queen report on the nightmare of Beth's day, I have pasted the narrative from my facebook page. The whole scenario landed on me within a one-hour time span, and all I did was cry, and call people, and wonder if God was mad at me. You can skip this part if you don't like whiny girl stories:
======Beth's No Good Terrrible Horrible Poopy Doopy Day====
Bill had his blood test today, and while the scores weren't great, they weren't bad enough for him to need ANY kind of IV at all, not even a transfusion or platelets! We could hardly believe it!
Last night he had The Fever again, but it only strikes at night.
His nausea was better than usual today, and even though his mouth sores are spreading forward from his throat to the front of his mouth, the mouthwash is continuing to alleviate the pain and irritation. It's a miracle medicine. P and G, THANK YOU AGAIN for that lifesaving maneuver!
[Special note to CS: IT'S HERE, AND WE BOTH DIED WHEN HE OPENED IT, AND WE HAD TO BE RESUSCITATED BY THE PUPPIES. YOU WILL HEAR MORE. OMG! COULD NOT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT! YOU ANGEL!]
Small features: (1) Bill shaved around his beard, a couple days ago, and the hair didn't grow back in at all, so we're waiting for the bald head, beardless, eyebrowless, eyelashless look to appear any day now, and he's hoping he looks very suave. (2) He lost 3 pounds this week. (3) He looked kind of zombie-like today: pale, and big dark circles around his eyes, and his eyes looked really big, the way kids' eyes look when they're sick, so it was hard to smack him with the broom for not carrying my weights up to the attic for me. OH WOW! JUST KIDDING!
Here endeth the story of Bill's day. If you wish to see a brief Drama Queen report on the nightmare of Beth's day, I have pasted the narrative from my facebook page. The whole scenario landed on me within a one-hour time span, and all I did was cry, and call people, and wonder if God was mad at me. You can skip this part if you don't like whiny girl stories:
======Beth's No Good Terrrible Horrible Poopy Doopy Day====
WORST! DAY! EVER! Thought I was HAVING NIGHTMARE!
Day begins: Bill's mouth sores spreading, he's sick, white, hair falling out, miserable. Freaks me out.
5 minutes later: find out a dear friend has been emergency hospitalized; I make plans to visit her while Bill has chemo transfusions; freaking out more;
5 minutes later, I find bug crawling on my bed, and notice bites on my arm. Not flea or tick. IS IT A BED BUG (1-800-SUICIDE R US)????? I go crazy with anxiety; catch bug in jar, use spotlite and magnif. glass, study bug and internet pix, decide it's a carpet beetle, a GROSS creature that lays larva on your carpet! FREAK THE FRICK OUT OF MY MIND!
I go hysterical crying. Call Pest Control, am so worked up, the owner makes a special trip from Lenoir to help me. I couldn't then leave house, so Bill had to go ALONE to chemo (not sposed to drive) and I couldn't visit friend in hospital.
Pest Control examines room; I'm promising God I'll buy lotto tickets and give Him all my winnings if it's JUST not bedbugs. Pest guy concludes: CARPET BEETLE.
NOW I must rip out carpet, throw away whole bed and furniture, have commercial cleaning, whole house carpet, grab 5 garbage bags of clothes, wash/dry in hot drier, move to porch to sleep for next month, THROW AWAY ALL blankets, pillows and bedding, block door so no dogs can go in room, will need two rounds of pesticide. All this by noon. I took a sedative, cried, called my mom, worried about Bill being alone, worried about my friend.
And on top of it all, now I owe God millions of dollars, cuz it WASNT BED BUGS!
This day took 10 years off the end of my life.
HAALLLLLLLLP! ALIENS! COME GET ME! PLEEEEEEZE!
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Wednesday (Please Beth, make it SHORT!)
Trying SO hard to make this one shorter. I write TOO MUCH.
1. Bill said he'd give today a grade of C-minus.
2. He was nauseated off & on all day.
3. He was fatigued.
4. He got a lil bit scolded for stepping on and killing 2 sunflowers and 3 black-eyed susans while fooling with a hummingbird feeder.
5. His fever went up to almost 101 last night, 2nd night in a row. S'posed to go to ER at 100.4, but he refused again.
6. Sores in mouth becoming a BIG DEAL. They start out feeling like sand, then blisters, then blisters pop, then white patches appear, then the patches fall off leaving "raw meat" as it was described to us, and at that point you can't talk or swallow water, and have to get hospitalized for IV nutrition/hydration. So here comes that side effect, developing more each day. He's at the blisters stage.
7. Two angelic, devoutly Christian women friends, one who hardly knows us, worked together today, without our even asking, to get Bill some medicine to start fighting those mouth sores. One of the women knew about the medicine because she had chemo and her mouth and throat fell apart like this, and she ended up in critical care from dehydration/starvation. She's never even MET Bill, but simply loves Bill automatically as a Christian brother, and these two women made this happen. This medicine costs $734 a bottle. They had it here by 8:30 am. You wanna talk about people who walk what they talk? Was that love? Was that charity? Kindness? Empathy? I could cry from the beauty of what they did. This medicine completely stopped Bill's mouth pain! It can be used up to 10 times a day. God bless those women down to their smallest atoms and every drop of their souls.
8. At dinner, he couldn't eat much, and his fever is headed up near 100 already, so he's going to bed. He feels pretty darn bad. He was carrying his throw-up bucket around with him today.
9. Tomorrow, he gets blood drawn and any IV replenishments he needs.
10. Funniest thing of the day: We gave the dogs an empty lasagna pan to lick (not much to lick), and the poodle took possession of the pan and started carrying it around in his mouth EVERYWHERE he went. It is empty and weighs very little, but is bigger than he is, and we died laughing all day when he'd come around the corner with that huge lasagna pan in his mouth. Brought it outside when he played fetch with Bill. Took it with him for naps. Wish my camera worked. Anyway, you can picture it.
I'll post tomorrow evening with news of his blood situation, IV's needed, transfusions, platelets, etc. as so many things get crunched by this poisonous chemo.
Thank you always for caring and loving and praying and thinking about Bill. He so much appreciates it, as do I, and he so much doesn't deserve this.
Love you all (and remember, if you wanna get this blog in your inbox, give me your email address).
Bethie Wethie
1. Bill said he'd give today a grade of C-minus.
2. He was nauseated off & on all day.
3. He was fatigued.
4. He got a lil bit scolded for stepping on and killing 2 sunflowers and 3 black-eyed susans while fooling with a hummingbird feeder.
5. His fever went up to almost 101 last night, 2nd night in a row. S'posed to go to ER at 100.4, but he refused again.
6. Sores in mouth becoming a BIG DEAL. They start out feeling like sand, then blisters, then blisters pop, then white patches appear, then the patches fall off leaving "raw meat" as it was described to us, and at that point you can't talk or swallow water, and have to get hospitalized for IV nutrition/hydration. So here comes that side effect, developing more each day. He's at the blisters stage.
7. Two angelic, devoutly Christian women friends, one who hardly knows us, worked together today, without our even asking, to get Bill some medicine to start fighting those mouth sores. One of the women knew about the medicine because she had chemo and her mouth and throat fell apart like this, and she ended up in critical care from dehydration/starvation. She's never even MET Bill, but simply loves Bill automatically as a Christian brother, and these two women made this happen. This medicine costs $734 a bottle. They had it here by 8:30 am. You wanna talk about people who walk what they talk? Was that love? Was that charity? Kindness? Empathy? I could cry from the beauty of what they did. This medicine completely stopped Bill's mouth pain! It can be used up to 10 times a day. God bless those women down to their smallest atoms and every drop of their souls.
8. At dinner, he couldn't eat much, and his fever is headed up near 100 already, so he's going to bed. He feels pretty darn bad. He was carrying his throw-up bucket around with him today.
9. Tomorrow, he gets blood drawn and any IV replenishments he needs.
10. Funniest thing of the day: We gave the dogs an empty lasagna pan to lick (not much to lick), and the poodle took possession of the pan and started carrying it around in his mouth EVERYWHERE he went. It is empty and weighs very little, but is bigger than he is, and we died laughing all day when he'd come around the corner with that huge lasagna pan in his mouth. Brought it outside when he played fetch with Bill. Took it with him for naps. Wish my camera worked. Anyway, you can picture it.
I'll post tomorrow evening with news of his blood situation, IV's needed, transfusions, platelets, etc. as so many things get crunched by this poisonous chemo.
Thank you always for caring and loving and praying and thinking about Bill. He so much appreciates it, as do I, and he so much doesn't deserve this.
Love you all (and remember, if you wanna get this blog in your inbox, give me your email address).
Bethie Wethie
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday is Better!
We are grateful to you and to God and happy to report that today was better than yesterday, in some ways.
Because of a commotion with the dogs at 4:30 am, Bill woke up and took all his meds, so that by 7, when he woke up for good, he felt much better than his past queasy mornings.
His nausea, however, is changing and spreading throughout the day, rather than just existing in the mornings, as it used to.
Fatigue is his other strong problem.
But today, he developed blisters all over the roof of his mouth and in his throat. He's never had this before, but we read about it. Lots of you sent me ideas for helping with that, and we are going to try them all. It does hurt him to eat or drink, but if those little things break (which I'm thinking is next), he will be in trouble, I imagine. I hope it's not like having a hundred open canker sores! (Dianne B: they wouldn't let us do the ice-in-mouth thing during administration of red devil; said the new version of the drug makes the ice no help at all.)
For some reason, I was balancing all the plates, emotionally, until the blisters. For some reason, it was just one too many things. I kind of fell apart the minute he told me, and I spent the day being gloomy--actually the word "numb" is what I felt. I couldn't even eat today. I don't deal with strong emotions too well. I suppress them. Then I either "think" I'm happy, or I mope around. Oh well. I put myself in my room and said I couldn't come out till I could act nice. I never did come out. Still here! haha It's not the blisters that are so upsetting. It's the appearance of something new when I think there was already more than enough going on.
NEWS FLASH: If you would rather receive this blog in your email inbox, I will add your email to my new list. I have about 25 people who've asked to get updates this way, so they get the update within a minute of the blog being written, and don't have to search and fool around looking for the website. Just send me an email and I'll add your name. It's easy. The names are blind-copied so no one sees anyone else's name. I'm beth dot drennan at gmail dot com.
Here's to a better tomorrow! Next Dr. visit is Thursday for blood work. We get the results on the spot, and he either gets a blood or platelet transfusion or magnesium drip or whatever he needs.
We love you, and your love for us is getting us through every day. As in REALLY. Not just saying it.
Love,
Beffie and Billy
Because of a commotion with the dogs at 4:30 am, Bill woke up and took all his meds, so that by 7, when he woke up for good, he felt much better than his past queasy mornings.
His nausea, however, is changing and spreading throughout the day, rather than just existing in the mornings, as it used to.
Fatigue is his other strong problem.
But today, he developed blisters all over the roof of his mouth and in his throat. He's never had this before, but we read about it. Lots of you sent me ideas for helping with that, and we are going to try them all. It does hurt him to eat or drink, but if those little things break (which I'm thinking is next), he will be in trouble, I imagine. I hope it's not like having a hundred open canker sores! (Dianne B: they wouldn't let us do the ice-in-mouth thing during administration of red devil; said the new version of the drug makes the ice no help at all.)
For some reason, I was balancing all the plates, emotionally, until the blisters. For some reason, it was just one too many things. I kind of fell apart the minute he told me, and I spent the day being gloomy--actually the word "numb" is what I felt. I couldn't even eat today. I don't deal with strong emotions too well. I suppress them. Then I either "think" I'm happy, or I mope around. Oh well. I put myself in my room and said I couldn't come out till I could act nice. I never did come out. Still here! haha It's not the blisters that are so upsetting. It's the appearance of something new when I think there was already more than enough going on.
NEWS FLASH: If you would rather receive this blog in your email inbox, I will add your email to my new list. I have about 25 people who've asked to get updates this way, so they get the update within a minute of the blog being written, and don't have to search and fool around looking for the website. Just send me an email and I'll add your name. It's easy. The names are blind-copied so no one sees anyone else's name. I'm beth dot drennan at gmail dot com.
Here's to a better tomorrow! Next Dr. visit is Thursday for blood work. We get the results on the spot, and he either gets a blood or platelet transfusion or magnesium drip or whatever he needs.
We love you, and your love for us is getting us through every day. As in REALLY. Not just saying it.
Love,
Beffie and Billy
Monday, May 28, 2012
Monday, Monday: Can't Trust That Day
Not a good day at the Cowboy's house.
He woke up sick again, with his bucket, and feeling just horrible, he said.
Normally, he gets a good few hours in the afternoon, but not today. The membranes in his mouth are starting to go (a side effect is a mouth and throat full of sores; oh dear Lord I hope he doesn't get that now), and his soft palate and throat hurt too much to talk. He could hardly eat. He liked some hot tea I made him with lots of honey and cream.
But he couldn't even sit up much today. By mid afternoon, he was trying to sit with me, but he couldn't stay awake. Then he tried to sit on the porch and read, but he got worse and worse until he said he feels like he has the full blown flu, his throat is killing him, he is nauseated, and in pain all over.
So he just gave up and went to bed, no food, just water. Completely miserable.
We have rarely had a day this bad, but maybe we have.
I tried to interest him in some computer games, or watching TV, or just lying beside each other, holding hands, and being quiet. But he was too miserable for even those things. He just needed to leave reality, and that's what he's done. He's asleep, and I hope it's for the whole night.
I don't know if he can continue this. This is a thousand times worse than anything the cancer ever did to him. Whatever he decides, through prayer and consulting with his beloved fellow Christians at his beloved church, that's what he will do, and I will support him in anything.
I'm sorry we didn't have better news today. As our friend Anna B said, maybe this is his low point, and he will come up from here. Lord, hear that prayer.
Love and thankfulness to all of you for caring all this time. You are our wings.
Bethie and Poor Ole Bill
He woke up sick again, with his bucket, and feeling just horrible, he said.
Normally, he gets a good few hours in the afternoon, but not today. The membranes in his mouth are starting to go (a side effect is a mouth and throat full of sores; oh dear Lord I hope he doesn't get that now), and his soft palate and throat hurt too much to talk. He could hardly eat. He liked some hot tea I made him with lots of honey and cream.
But he couldn't even sit up much today. By mid afternoon, he was trying to sit with me, but he couldn't stay awake. Then he tried to sit on the porch and read, but he got worse and worse until he said he feels like he has the full blown flu, his throat is killing him, he is nauseated, and in pain all over.
So he just gave up and went to bed, no food, just water. Completely miserable.
We have rarely had a day this bad, but maybe we have.
I tried to interest him in some computer games, or watching TV, or just lying beside each other, holding hands, and being quiet. But he was too miserable for even those things. He just needed to leave reality, and that's what he's done. He's asleep, and I hope it's for the whole night.
I don't know if he can continue this. This is a thousand times worse than anything the cancer ever did to him. Whatever he decides, through prayer and consulting with his beloved fellow Christians at his beloved church, that's what he will do, and I will support him in anything.
I'm sorry we didn't have better news today. As our friend Anna B said, maybe this is his low point, and he will come up from here. Lord, hear that prayer.
Love and thankfulness to all of you for caring all this time. You are our wings.
Bethie and Poor Ole Bill
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Sunday: A Lil Crash&Burn, Then Better
This ends up better than it starts, so don't worry.
He woke up early. Last night he fell asleep very early, feeling wretched, with a fever. So he forgot to take his nausea meds.
He woke up throwing up, but nothing in his stomach, so dry-heaving into a bucket all morning. Oh, man, talk about your heart breaking. He took his pills, like he was told, "even tho he might throw them up," but luckily, they stayed down and eventually, the dry heaves stopped, but before they did, he had a DIFFERENT problem, which I can't mention, and he had to contend with that WHILE DRY HEAVING, so it was just AWFUL!
He said a little more of that and he is quitting chemo and giving up. He said it was the worst experience he has had in his life, throwing up continuously for a long time like that.
I wish I had better news.
His calves and kneecaps were killing him last night, but were better this morning. He has spent 99% of today lying down, just trying to get through it all.
He is losing his ability to eat now. Everything tastes like metal or rust and is horrible. He can only eat eggs and sweet things and spicy things right now. Apparently, the taste has to override the metal flavor in his mouth or he can't eat it.
A good friend (David C.) noted the dangers of his drinking scotch while in chemotherapy this drastic. Bill took that seriously and is now cutting back and looking into whether he should have any alcohol at all, between the chemo and the tylenol in his one pain pill he takes in the morning. [Only takes one 5 mg pain pill a day. He is so brave. You wouldn't believe it.]
By late afternoon, he is back in misery world again. Like right now, he is lying asleep in his dark quiet room, just avoiding life. When he wakes, he won't be hungry, and he rushes back to bed, to sleep and escape the bad feelings that dominate his consciousness.
Also, about food: you'd think, well, give him the most favorite thing he can possibly have, but the glitch in that plan, as we learned from a shrimp scampi episode (formerly a food he adored), once he eats anything, if he then feels queasy and tastes metal, he forever after hates that food. So we have to be careful not to give him stuff he likes. Isn't that weird?
I think we're looking at a slow disintegration of his condition, toward what they call the "nadir" (his lowest point in the 2-week cycle), but after 14 days, he will be back up again (zenith), and ready for the next attack.
You can see why people just quit this stuff.
He has told me that he is doing it because he worries how I would make it through life on my own, as I am so entwined with him, and we are so interdependent and so inseparable. So I think he is sort of doing all this for me.
Can you imagine how that feels for me, though HIS feelings are far more important than mine! But I feel a mixture of guilty, adored, sorrowful, and thankful. Untangling all these feelings is like sneezing halfway through weaving a hammock and having to trace all the strings back to where they belong. What do I do? THANK him or urge him to let go, that I'll be fine!????? I will, but he knows how emotional I am, but I promise him, "I'll get by with a little help from my friends."
Cancer is like your first time snorkeling with a mask. You can't believe what all is down there.
THANK YOU for your prayers, your love, your willingness to do ANYTHING for us. We are living in that feeling of safety you have given us with your love. May we, or someone, do as much for you, sometime, somehow.
God's name be praised. All things work to good for them who love the Lord.
Not SOME things. Even this. I believe that.
Love and serenity and gratitude to you all,
Bethie
He woke up early. Last night he fell asleep very early, feeling wretched, with a fever. So he forgot to take his nausea meds.
He woke up throwing up, but nothing in his stomach, so dry-heaving into a bucket all morning. Oh, man, talk about your heart breaking. He took his pills, like he was told, "even tho he might throw them up," but luckily, they stayed down and eventually, the dry heaves stopped, but before they did, he had a DIFFERENT problem, which I can't mention, and he had to contend with that WHILE DRY HEAVING, so it was just AWFUL!
He said a little more of that and he is quitting chemo and giving up. He said it was the worst experience he has had in his life, throwing up continuously for a long time like that.
I wish I had better news.
His calves and kneecaps were killing him last night, but were better this morning. He has spent 99% of today lying down, just trying to get through it all.
He is losing his ability to eat now. Everything tastes like metal or rust and is horrible. He can only eat eggs and sweet things and spicy things right now. Apparently, the taste has to override the metal flavor in his mouth or he can't eat it.
A good friend (David C.) noted the dangers of his drinking scotch while in chemotherapy this drastic. Bill took that seriously and is now cutting back and looking into whether he should have any alcohol at all, between the chemo and the tylenol in his one pain pill he takes in the morning. [Only takes one 5 mg pain pill a day. He is so brave. You wouldn't believe it.]
By late afternoon, he is back in misery world again. Like right now, he is lying asleep in his dark quiet room, just avoiding life. When he wakes, he won't be hungry, and he rushes back to bed, to sleep and escape the bad feelings that dominate his consciousness.
Also, about food: you'd think, well, give him the most favorite thing he can possibly have, but the glitch in that plan, as we learned from a shrimp scampi episode (formerly a food he adored), once he eats anything, if he then feels queasy and tastes metal, he forever after hates that food. So we have to be careful not to give him stuff he likes. Isn't that weird?
I think we're looking at a slow disintegration of his condition, toward what they call the "nadir" (his lowest point in the 2-week cycle), but after 14 days, he will be back up again (zenith), and ready for the next attack.
You can see why people just quit this stuff.
He has told me that he is doing it because he worries how I would make it through life on my own, as I am so entwined with him, and we are so interdependent and so inseparable. So I think he is sort of doing all this for me.
Can you imagine how that feels for me, though HIS feelings are far more important than mine! But I feel a mixture of guilty, adored, sorrowful, and thankful. Untangling all these feelings is like sneezing halfway through weaving a hammock and having to trace all the strings back to where they belong. What do I do? THANK him or urge him to let go, that I'll be fine!????? I will, but he knows how emotional I am, but I promise him, "I'll get by with a little help from my friends."
Cancer is like your first time snorkeling with a mask. You can't believe what all is down there.
THANK YOU for your prayers, your love, your willingness to do ANYTHING for us. We are living in that feeling of safety you have given us with your love. May we, or someone, do as much for you, sometime, somehow.
God's name be praised. All things work to good for them who love the Lord.
Not SOME things. Even this. I believe that.
Love and serenity and gratitude to you all,
Bethie
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