Whatever Happened to That Scan?

Bill and I finally decided we'd better do something about that scan that didn't happen.

We were pretty sure he was on an every-three-months schedule. His last scan was April 28th. So he should have had one July 28th.

Nothing happened. No one called.

So we talked about whether he was willing to GET a scan. You'd think a person would automatically WANT to get a scan.

But when you're IN the situation, grey areas appear in that decision making.

Like this: He is pretty extremely sure that if he was told that he needed surgery, he would absolutely refuse it. Now, not MINOR surgery. But (I just asked him, and these are his words), "If it involved major surgery, with anesthesia and hospital time, I wouldn't do it."

I said, "Would you get chemo?"

"Yes, I would do chemo."

So, the question goes like this: If you know you will not have surgery, should you get a scan and run the risk of finding out you need surgery that you aren't going to get, OR should you skip the scan, since you aren't going to get surgery anyway, so that you might as well enjoy life without a bunch of bad news to process?

Easy: Of COURSE you get the scan, because you WOULD get chemo, AND the scan might show you are free of all disease, AND there are so many variables, that you can't foresee them all, so just get the darned scan, and figure it out later.

So...Bill started today by calling the Miniature Oncologist in Boone--I refer to her miniature physical stature (about 4'3") and her extremely miniature affection for me, by my use of the term "miniature"--not to her unquestionably vast skills as an oncologist (disclaimer, in case she reads this). So the, Mini's nurse said that Mini called the BIG Oncologist at Wake Forest (6'7") on August 2nd, and that the message must have gotten lost at Big Oncologist's end, so it is Bill's problem now. Bill needs to call Big Onco and get a scan scheduled, assuming Bill is still on the every-3-month scan plan, and hasn't graduated to every-6-months, which is a remote possibility.

As of this afternoon, Bill hasn't pulled together the nerve to call Big Onco yet. It is terribly difficult. It's difficult even to know scan scheduling is going on. My dread level went through the roof when this happened this morning. His denial level went through the solar system.

Short form: In a moment of courage, he is going to call Big Onco office and schedule the dreaded scan. When, I don't know, but I admire his taking step one by calling Mini Onco.

And here's my position: Some folks say I'm conservative here, and liberal there. But if there's one place I'm liberal, it's in being against people being SHOVED into doing scary things that they don't want to do. And I'm not going to FORCE Bill to make that phone call before he is ready. Or rag on him, or do it for him or even behind his back, as I have considered doing.

It's not my place because it's not my life. My life is impacted (though I don't believe "impacted" is a legitimate word, no matter how much Tv people use it), but I'm willing to pay the price to myself to protect his right to self-determine his path, and not to judge him, but to adore him and support him and love him right through to his soul, whatever he does, and whether I agree with it or not. Anything else is me trying to control him, and wow, does controlling others by force ever backfire in one's face.

Bill is a VERY VERY Godly man, and spends an enormous amount of time in prayer--in fact, if I know you and he has heard your name mentioned, he writes it on his list, and you are being prayed for for a long time every night of your life, by him. (My mom is an atheist, and she says, "Get my name off that damned list. I didn't say he could pray for me!" Well, I guess that's another day's analysis--do we have the right to pray for people who don't want to be prayed for?! hahaha Good ole mom. She's a character and a half and funny as heck.)

I bless up and down every one of you who has shared your thoughts, ideas, impressions, creative suggestions and tireless love and concern, through this decision-making time.

I'm much more flawed than you are. I can be a selfish brat, and I don't know if I would be so selfless as you are, to reach out to others the way I have been reached out to. I pray that my shell of sickening self-absorption and ugly egocentricity will develop permanent cracks after observing the love in action that has come to me and to us from those of you who are not cursed with the disfiguring crusts of selfishness, like I have been. A "loving" me is in here, somewhere, imprisoned, I promise. But my defenses have built a wall, and my love has trouble seeping out.

Seeing yours flowing toward me and Bill has been humbling, moving, and inspiring, to say the least.

I will write again the minute we hear when the scan is set up. And if we're going to it.

Thank you for giving so much to us when we're just regular folks that you could easily have passed over. But you didn't. The universe is better for your having been in it. Our lives certainly are.

Love and gratitude.