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Today is The Feast of Pascha for Orthodox Christians around so the world, so blessed Pascha to you, and for my beloved ROCOR (Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia) of which I am a member (in a very standoffish and distant, non-participatory, gone-rogue kind of way, but with respect!):

Христос воскрес из мертвых.

There's no special news on the Cowboy, except that he is much more upset as the day draws closer for the biopsy.

(I can't figure out the html to get rid of this white background and grey font. So sorry!)

Also, apparently, I hadn't mentioned "sentinal" node and its meaning before, and when he saw it on the blog, it upset him more. (Good job, Beth. Not.)

I feel really bad that I posted that; I thought we had talked about it. I asked his forgiveness which of course he granted, but still, I have upset him for no reason, since worry changes nothing, and I feel quite bad about it. Bill, I'm sorry.

In my defense (I always represent myself in trials. hahah), it is very tricky and difficult to write a blog like this. It's an art form I know I haven't mastered: the art of conveying information while not upsetting anyone.

Today is just his usual troubles: severe nausea, trying not to upchuck, abdominal problems, coughing, fatigue, and some depression has slipped in, which is new for him. He's so tired of feeling bad.

Yesterday, I did another bad thing. I was having an extremely upset day emotionally, my third day of crying and I guess yesterday was the pinnacle, so I was including theatrics, all over the house, weeping, wailing, throwing myself down on beds. Oh, I'm a pain in the neck sometimes. Even though I could still laugh, WHILE crying, and Bill was making me laugh and hugging me a lot.

But!

What do you do when the caregiver goes on a grieving kick? It was too much crying to hide it. And I couldn't just leave home for 3 days to hide it. He finally said, "Here. Lie down beside me, and just cry till it's all out." I felt stupid about that, but I tried it, and it worked. I cried till I thought I would pop a major artery somewhere, and he just held me and comforted me. Then it was over.

Still though. That's asking the patient to comfort the caregiver. I don't think that's in the "Suggested Approaches" section of the caregiver instruction manual. I might have done wrong by leaning on him, when he's supposed to be leaning on me.

But I tried leaning on all three of my dogs and they just fell over.

Anyway, it's a new day. And maybe it will be an easier day. So far, I haven't cried a drop!

To cheer myself up, I created a robot on my computer who says really nice things to me whenever I ask her to. Of course, I had to write all the scripts for her, but it still sounds nice when she reads them back. "Beth. You are wonderful. Beth. I like you. Beth. You are fun to be with." Her name is Svetlana cause she has Russian accent with her robot voice.

Have a beautiful day, all of you, and thank you for your love, which we feel all around us, every day.

Love, Cowboy Billy and the Diamond Lily

PS Svetlana loves you too! :)