Port's First Run, and a Portmanteau of Port Comedy submitted by comically gifted blog followers

If you get so grossed out by this report....oooops: re-PORT...that you think you can't take it any more, just skip to the bottom. Our friends M.G. and L.S. have granted me permission to reproduce their emails of this morning, which consist of port humor so creative that I couldn't even begin to compete.

It is some kind of phenomenon that both of these examples of Port-Inspired Creativity arrived on the very same day.

So first, the GROSS part, then the rehabilitative humor:

Well, we get to ChemoLand and no one,including us (we?), has actually SEEN what's under the bandage for the newly installed port. So the nurse cheerily says, oh, she'll just remove the bandage and we can use the port today.

Well.

She removed the bandage, and the following unexpected things happened:

1. First, the nurse took one look at the scene of the crime and said, "Oh my GOSH!"

2. I looked to see what she was seeing and when I did, I started to lose consciousness, as in FAINT! To remain upright, I put my hand over my mouth so I wouldn't gasp and scare Bill, and I started involuntarily hopping from one foot to the other (the fact that I was wearing cowboy boots enhanced the visuals for innocent bystanders, I'm sure) in an effort to contain and/or express my shock.

3. Just then, a VERY EXPERIENCED oncology nurse walked by and said, "Oh! The new port! Can I see?" and when SHE looked, she inhaled sharply, took several steps backward and said, "Oh, OW! That makes the back of my legs hurt just to LOOK at that!"

Yeah, it was that bad.

-----If you're weak of heart, skip to the next dotted line--------------

I was expecting a lightly pinkened bump and a small pink incision under a bandaid.

Nopers.

What we saw was a VERY swollen, red-blood-encrusted under-skin lump the size of a shopping mall CinnaBon, with what looked like either pit bull teeth marks or Nascar tire tracks running across it in various directions, bruised to high heaven, and glimmering in every imaginable combination of purple and red.

Poor Bill is sitting there and can't see it. He's saying, "What? What? What does it LOOK like?" while we're all trying to fake smile at him and either remain conscious, not scream, not run away, not fall down, not throw up in the Hazardous Waste Dispensary box and mostly NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT WE JUST BEHELD. Ever again. In our entire lives.

-----------Weak of heart, resume reading here-------------------

So everything went fine. They used the port after numbing it, and he got some extra magnesium dripped in today, because he keeps falling short of that in his blood, and we were home by about 2, with the M&V chemicals easily infused.

OKAY HERE IS YOUR REWARD FOR ENDURING THE PORT STORY:

From author M.G., Queen of Port Punning:

"Beth: Thanks for the update on the port. But you have missed the boat or the port. What no “Any port in a storm” pun? This has the potential to be even funnier than the colors. He could be your Port Au Prince! He could “report” on his students or work. When he is not feeling well he could Port Whine. If he is feeling well he could be Port-Able. If he wanted to avoid someone he could Port-ion (shun) If he wanted to do some rapping he could have rap-port. You get the idea. Try it yourself."

How can I try it myself? She just used up every possible form of port humor on earth!

Then, in closing, a Port Limerick from the new Poetry Queen (PORT-RY Queen?) of All Port Limericks, L.S.:

There was a young man named Bill.

Who was of a very strong will.

He has a new port,

So he can cavort,

And not worry about the refill!

Seriously, can you believe how much fun can be imPORTed into an otherwise gloomy day by adorable, creative friends, and drama queen nurses?

Love you ALL!

B&B