Thursday Night: Bill is Not Released. Doctor: "Do You Realize How SICK YOU ARE?"

OHHHHHHHH boy.

I just walked in the door of home, and after returning lots of phone calls, I'm on the blog to let you know the very latest. But I can't write out the extended version tonight, even though it was one of the funniest scenes I have ever beheld except on Saturday Night Live or Jay Leno.

The outcome, however, wasn't funny. Just the conversation with the NEW doctor, who is from Wisconsin (can you believe it?) and a genius and sooooo funny and theatrical and knew Bill's case backward and forward. I'll describe it all tomorrow, as I just don't have time tonight. There are still calls I have to return, and it's almost 9 already.

Bottom line:

Bill's oncologist of whom we are NOT fond (I left out of a previous post an entire scene in which she scolded him in his hospital bed for going to the emergency room after she had called in a prescription for him at noon. I think she was mad because it made her look bad to the hospital doctors for calling in a random prescription for a patient as sick as Bill, WITHOUT even seeing him or testing his blood or urine, KNOWING he has no white cells! I was trying to be polite and leave that story out, but I'll put it in, in another post).

Anyway, this same oncologist, Miss Personality, told Bill this morning he could go home today, subject to the final okay of Dr. Braun (the Wisconsin cool guy), but that she could see no reason he couldn't go home.

So he thought at first he felt pretty sick and it was weird they were sending him home, but by the end of the day, he had warmed to the idea and got excited about going home. So excited that by 4, he was dressed, had his Florida gators hat on, all his bags packed and was lying on his bed just waiting to be released.

Well, it got to be 7 pm and nothing.

So I started hunting around the floor trying to find the doctor who would release him. I found him (Dr. Braun) and did NOT expect to encounter a doctor with a sense of humor that could easily be on TV, and a really smart brain, AND who had Bill's case utterly memorized, AND who looks like Johnny Depp only 6 foot 4 feet tall. The nurses were swooning around him and he was just making everyone laugh.

So I said, hello, that I was Bill Drennan's wife and that my mission was to block the elevators so he couldn't leave until he had released Bill.

He said, "Release him? Are you kidding? He is not going ANYWHERE. He is sick as a dog!"

I said, "But the doctor this morning told him he would go home."

He says, "Well, i don't know what she was thinking when she said that, because he is not going anywhere, and if you saw his lab results, you'd understand."

I said,"Okay! I'm with you! I don't think he seems all that great either! I'm actually relieved, but Bill's going to be really mad, because he's all dressed and thinks he's going home."

Dr B says, "Well you go break the news, and if he wants a fistfight, send him on down here." (He was being funny, but acting this out theatrically).

So I went and told Bill, and Bill was furious. Bill came down the hall and said to the doctor, "WHY in the WORLD am I not getting released?"

The doctor said, "Well, for one thing, [and right here, the doctor leaned close to Bill's face and said in a Bill Murray impression] your lab results were HORRIBLE. Do you want to see them?"

Bill: Actually, yes I do.

Dr: Okay, lets take a look.

So they open the chart (this is all happening at the nurse's station and all the nurses are giggling at how funny the doctor is making this scene.)

The doctor goes, "Oh, Look! YOU ONLY QUALIFIED FOR *FOUR* UNITS OF MAGNESIUM TODAY! Do you know how sick you have to be to need four units of magnesium? And let's see here. Oh, Look! You have no white cells. Look at this number! You're worse than when you came in!"

Bill: Are you serious?

Dr: (He looked at Bill's hat and said these exact words, just like this, with no punctuation): Yes, I'm serious, and after I show you the rest of the lab results go gators you are not going to be mad at me."

Oh man, I don't know. Was it as funny as it seemed? Even Bill was laughing by now.

Then the doctor gave us the clincher. "Here's how messed up you are. If you came to the ER right NOW, with these lab results, I would have you admitted to the hospital in one minute. Now get back to your isolation room and go to bed. You're not going anywhere, and you're probably going to get some transfusions, AT LEAST, for starters tomorrow, and a lot of stuff besides that. These lab scores are wretched!"

So finally Bill understood, and I escorted him back to his room. As we walked away, the doctor took the file and slid it about 10 yards, down the nurse's station countertop and said, "And if you want more drama, keep reading your file. It's in there, ad nauseum."

Bill said, "Don't say nausea!"

Well, it ended with all of us laughing, even poor dejected Bill as he changed back into his jammies and got in bed, and we said good night, and I'm home and will be back there tomorrow morning early.

I'll let you know more stuff tomorrow, but for now, you're pretty caught up.

The illness is still a mystery, and Bill seems to be slightly worse than when he got in. So much for ever listening to that Boone oncologist again. But that's another day's whining.

Thank heaven for Dr. Braun. He honestly might have saved Bill's life today. And talk about bedside manner: do you know how hard it is to make someone who is furious not only calm down but start laughing??? This guy is amazing.

Love to you all for caring and following along. Nighty night!