Sunday: A Lil Crash&Burn, Then Better

This ends up better than it starts, so don't worry.

He woke up early. Last night he fell asleep very early, feeling wretched, with a fever. So he forgot to take his nausea meds.

He woke up throwing up, but nothing in his stomach, so dry-heaving into a bucket all morning. Oh, man, talk about your heart breaking. He took his pills, like he was told, "even tho he might throw them up," but luckily, they stayed down and eventually, the dry heaves stopped, but before they did, he had a DIFFERENT problem, which I can't mention, and he had to contend with that WHILE DRY HEAVING, so it was just AWFUL!

He said a little more of that and he is quitting chemo and giving up. He said it was the worst experience he has had in his life, throwing up continuously for a long time like that.

I wish I had better news.

His calves and kneecaps were killing him last night, but were better this morning. He has spent 99% of today lying down, just trying to get through it all.

He is losing his ability to eat now. Everything tastes like metal or rust and is horrible. He can only eat eggs and sweet things and spicy things right now. Apparently, the taste has to override the metal flavor in his mouth or he can't eat it.

A good friend (David C.) noted the dangers of his drinking scotch while in chemotherapy this drastic. Bill took that seriously and is now cutting back and looking into whether he should have any alcohol at all, between the chemo and the tylenol in his one pain pill he takes in the morning. [Only takes one 5 mg pain pill a day. He is so brave. You wouldn't believe it.]

By late afternoon, he is back in misery world again. Like right now, he is lying asleep in his dark quiet room, just avoiding life. When he wakes, he won't be hungry, and he rushes back to bed, to sleep and escape the bad feelings that dominate his consciousness.

Also, about food: you'd think, well, give him the most favorite thing he can possibly have, but the glitch in that plan, as we learned from a shrimp scampi episode (formerly a food he adored), once he eats anything, if he then feels queasy and tastes metal, he forever after hates that food. So we have to be careful not to give him stuff he likes. Isn't that weird?

I think we're looking at a slow disintegration of his condition, toward what they call the "nadir" (his lowest point in the 2-week cycle), but after 14 days, he will be back up again (zenith), and ready for the next attack.

You can see why people just quit this stuff.

He has told me that he is doing it because he worries how I would make it through life on my own, as I am so entwined with him, and we are so interdependent and so inseparable. So I think he is sort of doing all this for me.

Can you imagine how that feels for me, though HIS feelings are far more important than mine! But I feel a mixture of guilty, adored, sorrowful, and thankful. Untangling all these feelings is like sneezing halfway through weaving a hammock and having to trace all the strings back to where they belong. What do I do? THANK him or urge him to let go, that I'll be fine!????? I will, but he knows how emotional I am, but I promise him, "I'll get by with a little help from my friends."

Cancer is like your first time snorkeling with a mask. You can't believe what all is down there.

THANK YOU for your prayers, your love, your willingness to do ANYTHING for us. We are living in that feeling of safety you have given us with your love. May we, or someone, do as much for you, sometime, somehow.

God's name be praised. All things work to good for them who love the Lord.

Not SOME things. Even this. I believe that.

Love and serenity and gratitude to you all,
Bethie